Psychic Reading

Lelani and I decided to stop at a psychic in Madison yesterday. It was totally sketchy and everything one would want from a psychic reading. We rang a doorbell at the back of this woman's house and she let us in. She asked us if we wanted a tarot reading. Tarot was expensive ($45). We asked if she could do palm reading. She said sure, and the price was lower for that...we wondered if she just said she could read palms to get us to pay her something. We weren't allowed to go in and watch each others' readings, which was also sketchy. She took us to a little room in the back of the house. It had two chairs facing each other. She had an impressive collection of garden gnomes. The person left behind got to sit on the couch in the living room and watch a big screen tv while the woman's husband sat in the room. The woman's kids were in and out as well.

So, anyway, here's what came up in my "reading":

I will live a long life. I am a kind-hearted person who is willing to lend a hand. I have a temper (I think I gave her a look when she said this...), but my temper doesn't last long, only a few minutes. I have been having some relationship problems in the past year. (When I told her I didn't really see myself as having relationship problems, she pumped me for information until she found out that Jake had moved away. Then she said, "Yes, that is what I am seeing..."). She said, "You don't plan to move out any time soon?" And I was like, "Well, actually...I am moving out soon." She said that she saw that I have had disappointment in the past year, and asked if I was having problems at work. I told her that I had problems finding an internship and she responded by saying, "Yes, that is what I'm seeing." She told me that I have many good changes coming up in the future. She said that I am headed in the right direction and that the move to be with Jake will be good for me. She said she saw that I have family members worried about me, but that the worry will go away once they see that I have settled in and that I am happy. She told me that I will be financially comfortable and that I should not worry about money. In four or five months, I will have a happy reunion with someone who has been very far away.

I should have thought out a bit more what I was revealing about myself before going in. I wonder if she seized upon "relationship problems" right away because she saw my engagement ring and could put together that I was in a relationship. Damn. Anyway, it was a hoot to get to go and then talk about it with Lelani.

The picture I've included is one of Lelani and me at the park yesterday. I accidentally sat in some chocolate or something. Check out the big glob of it on my elbow.

PAT!!!

Sarah and I went out to see Pat McCurdy last night. Here we are dressed up and ready to go before our Pat experience. We're giving the peace sign as a nod to Korea, Em. Anyway, it was an awesome time! The Annex wasn't too crowded because there are a lot of people gone for the summer. It turned out that Mike Wilkinson was there with his girlfriend. Sarah got harassed by some guys next to us because she kept looking at him. Anyway, Mike was a Pat virgin and Pat looked at him and called him a "tall drink of water"...I'm pretty sure Pat didn't know who Mike was. Sarah and I got onstage for "Sex and Beer" and did the dance at the end. Then, we finished off our wonderful evening with some Greenbush donuts. Hells yeah!

Happiness Revisited

I've been taking happiness questionnaires through the University of Pennsylvania. I am surprised at how really unhappy I am. I found out that I am on the border between moderate and severe depression. I should retake that questionnaire after I move sometime to see if things change. One good thing that I did find out is that I actually was measured to have a secure attachment style in my close relationships. There's also a quiz on "signature strengths". I found that love of learning is my top strength, followed by: fairness, equity, and justice; caution, prudence, and discretion; curiosity and interest in the world; and judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness. I don't know what that tells me about what I should do with my life. Any suggestions?

Isolation

I went out last night with a girl in my program. I couldn't pay attention to the conversation too well because it just all seemed so pointless to me. I don't care to sit around and talk about theses and portfolios, etc. anymore. I want social contact, but it's so irritating to me to have to constantly talk about where my career is going. Ick.

I think it's very likely that I won't see anyone from my program again. I wish I could have developed a friendship with someone. I don't know how much of me not being able to do that is my fault. I've tried to be friendly to people. I don't know if it's because of personality differences or because I've kind of been all over or what. I could email people and try to make contact later, but I doubt that I will. If I don't get an internship, I will feel that they are probably going to judge me for it. I found out that everyone except Jason and I have found positions for next year. I'm sure Jason will find one by the end of the summer, too. I'm sure that I will get talked about as the socially isolated "loser". I've heard many other snide comments about others in the program...and they all ended up with school psych positions somewhere! Whatever. I need to do my own thing to try to be happy. I don't want to care what these people think.

Maybe I have too many issues to be a good friend to anyone.

Very few people understand me.

In related news, I have a phone interview on Friday. It's for an internship in Baltimore City Public Schools. I will try my best, but right now I'm not sure if an internship is what I even really want. There will be the stress of commuting, low pay, probably no benefits, so...yeah. But I will see how it goes.

I live too much in my own head.

Becoming Happy

Do we all have our own happiness "set point"? I read that only 25% of people report drastic fluctuations in life satisfaction and that change is generally for the worse. Still, I am hopeful that I can become happy. I really do feel that I'm at a place right now where I am unhappier than I usually am. I have a feeling that I'm ending this chapter of my life for which I won't ever really feel nostalgia. Well, maybe I will miss some of the stuff I got to do with Lelani or other friends here and there or I will look back on visiting Jake, but I mean the stuff that goes on in grad school... I'm not going to miss that. I think I am glad to be moving out of Eau Claire. I was sad to leave Madison...and I did have a place in my heart for Princeton when I left it (although I don't think I could ever move back at this point- maybe I could have after freshman year of college...), but Eau Claire hasn't given me much to really, really miss.

I watched the movie Palindromes last night. It's written by Todd Solondz, the same guy who wrote Welcome to the Dollhouse. Palindromes is much darker than Welcome to the Dollhouse was, I think. I sometimes wasn't sure if I should be laughing or not watching the movie. Anyway, the movie retains some of the characters of Welcome to the Dollhouse, like Mark Wiener. He had an interesting quote in the movie: "People always end up the way they started out. No one ever changes. They think they do but they don't. If you're the depressed type now that's the way you'll always be. If you're the mindless happy type now, that's the way you'll be when you grow up. You might lose some weight, your face may clear up, get a body tan, breast enlargement, a sex change, it makes no difference. Essentially, from in front, from behind. Whether you're 13 or 50, you will always be the same." Well, I don't know if that's true or not, I just found the quote to be apropos.

I have to believe that I can become happier. I'm working on finding ways to get myself in a better mood. There have been studies that show that exercise works as well as taking an antidepressant, so I figured that it is worth a shot. My goal is to get 30 minutes of aerobic exercise a day at least 3-5 days out of the week. I've been able to do it for the past two weeks. I do notice that I do generally feel better on the days that I work out. The only time I've gotten really, really down in the past two weeks was on a day that I hadn't worked out (but that could have been situational, too...). It's easy for me to get exercise right now, as I'm not in school and don't have a job. I think it'll be a little bit more tricky once I get busier down the line. I'm going to try to enlist Jake to help me stick to it after I move. I also need to make sure that I come up with a variety of activities to do so that I don't get bored and give it up.

I'm going to try to make myself become more confident. Hell, I can make myself do it! I think just building in some specific goals that I know I can attain will make things better, too. If I can at least have some personal success in some areas of my life, maybe it will boost my confidence or at least make me less hung up on other areas of my life.

Myspace

Myspace is a lot of work. I'm starting to get what Maria said to me about not liking it because there is all this pressure to be clever and creative. I keep changing my profile because I'm unhappy with it.

I am happy that I've been able to catch up with some people on myspace. On the other hand, it's starting to bother me because I feel like I can't be interesting enough. It also bothers me how much time I spend checking it. I need to get things done for myself, and I end up on it doing something inane. I'm tired of things having to be so public. Why should all the world be able to see my converstaions with people?


Hopefully, I won't be on it as much after I move. I'm hoping that it gets replaced with some actual physical interactions with other human beings.

I'm losing it and making myself crazy

I am afraid of being abandoned.

It's happened to me in the past.

I'm paranoid that people are giving up on me.

People giving up on me makes me want to give up on myself. I'm trying hard to not give up on myself.

Wallow. Wallow. Wallow. Wallow.

In other news...

WTF is up with Bush pushing for the amendment to ban gay marriage this week? This crap pisses me off. Luckily, it sounds like he won't come close to passing it.

Goal Setting

So, I went to this art walk thing with Lelani this weekend. She probably regrets taking me because afterward she ended up listening to me cry and cry and get down on myself about being socially awkward. Lelani told me that I came off as stand-offish in front of all these new people. I honestly didn't think that I was that terrible to anyone. They seemed like interesting and intelligent enough people, but it is really hard work for me to converse with people I don't know. It's even often hard work for me to converse with people I do know. Again, I never feel that I have much to say. Apparently, I come off as an extremely judgemental person. I was really shocked to hear that, because I don't think of myself as judging what other people do...especially people I don't even know. I am happy in a way that I went, though. I need to get out and keep trying things in order to learn how to come across better. It's practice. I don't get practice cooped up here in Eau Claire. I become more and more of a hermit every day...and apparently, I've damaged all relationships with people here because others can't even force themselves to do something as simple as go out to a restaurant with me on my birthday so that I'm not lonely. I also really need feedback. Lelani told me that part of what makes me come off as judgemental is that I sigh a lot. I didn't realize that I was doing this. This connects to something that came up in one of the counseling videotapes that I turned in this past semester, though. My counseling prof. picked up on a sigh that I let out after this girl who role-played with me told me that she thought she might be pregnant. My prof. said that the sigh could be interpreted in two ways: 1) I was being judgemental of her or 2)I was personally feeling a bit overwhelmed and thinking "How am I going to navigate this?" Luckily, the girl I did the counseling with picked up on that the sigh was just about me trying to work things out within myself. Apparently, this isn't the general case out in public and other places. Now I've noticed that I sigh when I am alone sometimes, too...when I'm thinking about things. I'm starting to pick up on it. Hopefully, I can self-monitor it and stop doing it. (If anyone notices me doing it, will you point it out to me? Or just punch me in the face or something?) I have honestly been dying to figure out something specific and measurable that I can work on to make this better. It doesn't help when people simply tell me that I'm awkward. I know I'm awkward, but how am I awkward? Does anyone else know of anything that I do that makes me stand-offish or seemingly judgemental? Email me if you do. Honestly, I won't hold it against you if you tell me something unflattering. Just make sure that your comments are about specific behaviors and not just "Well, you suck..." It might be nice if someone also told me what I am doing right. I have to admit that it's hard to hear negative feedback a lot.

Okay, I just wanted to put this link here so I can come back to it later...

It was extremely painful for me to find out that Lelani thinks that I am judging her. I feel like such an asshole.

I live in a lot of fear of the disapproval of my mother. My mom is highly critical of everyone. I feel like she is constantly looking for something to nag me about. I felt really tense the whole time that I was at home that she was going to bother me about what I'd been doing all day around the house while she was at work. She's always putting down my dad for little things, too. I am terrified to become like her. Do other people think I am judgemental like she is? Jake's said that he doesn't think that I'm like that to him, but I am freaked out now that I am like that to certain other people.

I partly think that it will be good for me to move and to get a little bit more distance between me and my family. They are just not that supportive sometimes.


I haven't done any thesis work yet today. I was previously thinking that I would... but I keep thinking more and more that I really won't get a school psychology job in the end, so I don't see the point. The only reason that I'd want to get it done is so that I don't think of myself as a quitter...

Do I have a case of sour grapes? I don't know... There are things that appeal to me about school psych and things that don't. If I'm going to work with kids, I think I'd like a job that gave me more opportunity to do things directly with them to help them. I didn't realize how much of a school psychologist's job revolves around paperwork, reports, meeting with administration, etc. I also don't like that it seems that every school psych ends up taking a lot of work home with them or working long hours. I really want to be able to come home and relax after work.

I Love Old Pals!

Lelani and I had a romantic candlelight picnic in Ripon. It rocked. We dressed up all hot and people did double-takes seeing us in the grocery store. We ate far too much food. Then we went and scared Daine by peeking into his bedroom window in the middle of the night.
It was okay, though. We lured him out with a cookie. Then I got to drink some mead. We went for a walk. The plan is that we get to hang out again tonight, too! Yay!