We've been collecting souvenir spoons at work. Anytime anyone goes anywhere, we ask them to bring a spoon! Here's a picture of the spoons we have so far on display just outside Cindy's desk:
So far, we have Tennessee, Chicago, Texas, New York, Delaware, Wisconsin, Georgia, Washington DC, Kansas, Virginia, Florida, Arizona, and Iowa. More will come soon!
Here's a picture of the Tennessee spoon. It's always a favorite: 
So, I know I've been negative about my job lately. Maria's told me to job hunt. Sarah's told me to check out a program on Oprah related to job satisfaction. But today, I've decided to write a blog focusing on some of the positive aspects of my job.
People quote Seinfeld quite often. I know this makes me fit in some weird way. When I would quote Seinfeld in grad school, people would say that they hated that show. I never really fit in too well there.
I work with highly intelligent people. They talk about current events and make all sorts of cultural references. I don't feel that I'm getting stupider at my job. It certainly beats working with children with special needs in that respect.
I can use the bathroom whenever I want.
I get to be on the computer and no one bothers me about what I'm doing. I can read on the job- yay! I had a co-worker at APTS tell me I shouldn't be reading a magazine once. Blargh.
I can go to CVS or walk down the street anywhere really and no one cares. I can be out for extended periods of time.
I can show up pretty much whenever I want and leave pretty much whenever I want. I do work regular hours just because I have this sense of responsibility and work ethic. I don't why I don't just get over that...
People go out for drinks at least once a week. We talk and complain and people seem to pretty much understand what I'm going through. So, yeah, it works out.
I'm still really leery about posting things about work on here. I think this sort of stuff is safe, but I wonder when it becomes against the rules. When I start talking about and naming specific people I work with? Is it okay if I disguise their identities? Some days I really, really want to blog about events that occur at my job because things happen weekly at least that are just totally bizarre. I sort of want to type up some of that stuff just so that it can go into my memoirs...
I have had lots of downtime at work lately. I've also been shaken up by a number of things happening to people close to me. This has led me to think a number of things about my life and my relationships with people. Maybe thinking too much. I've also talked to a number of people about these things and reflected on them a bunch. Bouncing my feelings about things off others has allowed me to refine more of my thoughts on some of this, but now I'm going to try to write out some of these things and refine them a bit more. Maybe I'm trying to find consistency in places where there is none. I feel like I could go on writing for a long time about all my issues. I'm going to forget to put something down here, I just know it.
My mom stayed overnight in the hospital last weekend. She was having chest pain and shortness of breath. The doctors don't think it was a heart attack. But, yeah, it was enough to shake me up. It was also enough to feel resentment for not being told that she has had high blood pressure for quite a while now...now I have to factor in that I actually do have a family history of high blood pressure. I've been blaming my own high blood pressure on other things. I hate the bullshit of people not talking about things. I hate it, hate it, hate it...
This is also an issue for me at work. A coworker of mine told another coworker of mine to not say negative things around me because I'm young and impressionable. WTF? I'm irritated that it seems all sorts of people feel that I need to be sheltered. I hate being sheltered when I want to know things...wouldn't knowing things allow me to evaluate them? To prepare for things? To change my behavior if necessary? To check this person's perception of reality against my own?
I've been thinking about how it's difficult for me to criticize my mom. I'm afraid that she's going to get angry and have some sort of tantrum. She can get pretty scary that way sometimes. Cory is able to laugh it off when she gets angry, but for some reason, I get scared.
I've also been thinking that I am similar to my mom in some ways. I have these anxious freakouts sometimes when I am put in positions I am unhappy or uncomfortable with. I find myself speaking angrily to Jake over these things (getting lost places and/or having to drive in large amounts of traffic is a huge trigger event). I don't know sometimes how to disconnect myself from the stressful event and just calm down about it. I realize afterwards how stupid and irrational it is to get upset about such minor things, but somehow I can't stop this torrent of anger and blame coming out of my mouth towards Jake.
I also wonder if people are reluctant to tell me my flaws and weaknesses. I randomly blurted out the story to some coworkers about the time I painted black eyed susans on the Rip Van Winkle mural in the nursing home in Princeton and how Maria told me they were summer flowers, not spring flowers. I got a reaction from them that made it seem that they were sorry for me that Maria said that to me. I wasn't expecting that reaction from them. I think I told the story to say that it's important to be accurate, that people should plan and have discussions with each other ahead of time, and that I would like to know when I do things wrong. I just suck at telling stories sometimes. I don't know how to make people understand me.
What are other people's feelings on advice? Advice confuses me sometimes. I feel uncomfortable giving advice most of the time. This is part of my what my issue was with school psychology. I didn't like the idea of coming into a teacher's classroom and acting as though I know everything. This came across as a lack of confidence. I also lacked the faith that most people would even act on anything that I suggested.
At what point does it go beyond a healthy tooting of your own horn and into becoming arrogant and pompous?
I never know if anyone can offer good advice. Has anyone had advice that they can say has really worked for them?
I get mothering comments from some people at work occasionally. It makes me feel resentful toward them for saying those things. It also makes me think that there's no point in me saying anything because nothing I say will be taken seriously.
I don't know. I both want and reject any sort of direction from other people.
I can't figure anything out anymore. I confuse myself and I confuse other people because of all of my mixed feelings on everything.
Ugh.
My birthday is on Thursday. I'll be 26. I'm not sure if I feel old or young at this point. I feel as though I'm often told how I'm a child or a baby at work...or at least it's implied. I'm not entirely sure why. Am I too idealistic in thinking I want a purpose in what I do? Is it wrong to want things to have meaning? There are days when I wonder if things would be different if I worked with people less jaded. I wonder if there could be any change if there were a collective level of idealism instead of the pessimism I feel comes out from my coworkers sometimes. They're probably right in the end that it's not going to pan out and we aren't going to find a use for the information we're collecting. Sometimes I want to hold onto hope, though. It's probably naive, I know. I wonder if I'm even seen as immature for my age. Maybe I'm weirdly underdeveloped from a lack of social contact and experiences. I don't know when I'll ever feel mature. I think that if I continue to just have random experiences, it might not come exactly. I don't know where to pick out the patterns in my life quite yet. I know some are there, but I don't know where to focus. Where is the main theme?
