Monday, May 29, 2006


It's very nearly been ONE YEAR of me having this blog. Crazy. I can't believe that I've stuck with it this long. Have I gotten anything out of it?

Huh. Reviewing my past posts, I realize how much I really hate grad school. Seriously, I hate it. I'm glad it's pretty much over. I may try to stick this thesis thing out, just to say that I did it. I might not get the Ed.S. degree (due to not being able to find an internship), but at least I tried. I hope it does me some good to say that I have a master's degree. What does that say about me? I can sit and take a four hour exam? I can put up with lots of crap?

Seriously, whenever I talk about something bad, it has to do with school. Whenever good things come up, it has to do with Jake or with friends... this is the theme of my life.

Now I need to find a job that I don't hate. What that could possibly be, I have no idea...

Soon, I will be moving. It'll be like starting over. I can't wait. I really do feel that I need a fresh start somewhere. I just hope that it doesn't take me too long to find a job. I also hope that I don't drive myself crazy. I'm hoping that I'll be able to be in a better mood just by having Jake around. It's really easy to get way wrapped in my own thoughts about my shortcomings living alone. At least Jake will be a distraction from that...

I just hope I'm generally happier in another year from now. What would make me happy? Well, I think having Jake to be with is a good start...but I also think that I'd like to have a job where I feel useful...and I'd like to feel that I am financially secure and able to pay my loans...and I'd like to have friends and hobbies to keep me entertained. Let's see if that happens...

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Meandering Musings

I can't seem to think linearly. I swear, my mind hops all over the place. I wish I could just focus on one thing. Here is a collection of random thoughts I've been having:

I want to believe that people are basically trustworthy, but I sort of don't think that I do.

I don't know if I'm angry to have popular culture in my life because it overwhelms the things that are actually important in life or if I'm relieved it's there because it distracts me from finding out more things that really bother me.

I've noticed that I can't pay attention to movies when I watch them alone now.

People keep telling me that I'm "midwestern" and implying that I'll be very different from other people in DC. I don't feel that I have a "midwestern" work ethic. I don't feel at home on a farm. I don't understand how exactly I am "midwestern".

I'm overly concerned about what other people think.

I never feel like I know what to say.

I wonder if I haven't gotten anything out of grad school. I wonder if it has actually made me less as a person.

I didn't recycle a glass bottle yesterday because a girl in my program told me she doesn't recycle in her house. I found out today that recycling one glass bottle is equivalent to saving the amount of energy it takes to power a 100 watt light bulb for 4 hours. I should have demanded that I take my bottle home to recycle it.

What kind of people don't recycle in their own house? (I have to admit, there have been times on the street when I've thrown a can or bottle into a regular garbage can because I can't find a recycling bin. Jake's chided me for it in the past. But I definitely recycle in my own house.) I don't fit in Eau Claire at all. I was forced to watch country music awards on tv. I can't relate to country music. I can't relate to conservatism. I can't relate to people who don't question their religion.

My mom told me once that she doesn't question whether or not Jesus is really God. I don't know if I believe her or not. Maybe she just doesn't allow herself to question it, because how can you not question it?

I don't want my mom to know that I don't believe in heaven.

I don't know if I'll ever put enough work into something to get anything out of it. It's the theme of my life. I don't know if I'm passionate about anything. I think I've tried to force passion sometimes, but it just doesn't work.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Not orally communicable...

I didn't get the internship in Carroll County.

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with my life. It's looking like it's not going to be school psychology. I can't seem to get my foot in the door.

I'm so stupid to have gone into a field that deals with people. Why the hell did I do that? I guess I didn't realize how crappy my social skills are until recently. I've had a professor and a practicum supervisor tell me that I have "potential" but need to be better at coming across verbally to people. I'm so sick of being smart but being a nervous weirdo. I feel like I'll never impress someone in an interview...

I'm debating whether or not I'll actually try to finish this thesis thing. I feel like I've run out of internship options out by Jake for next year, so I'm wondering if there is a point. It's not like I actually want to go through with doing orals. Blah.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Dinner and a Movie

I went to see Liz yesterday. We shopped at the Mall of America, ate at the Olive Garden, and went to see the Da Vinci Code. I have to say it was great fun going on a dinner and a movie date with Liz. It's nice to at least have one other person to spend time with. I swear, I drive myself nuts sometimes thinking about the same stuff all the time at home by myself. It's nice to have a conversation with someone over dinner every now and then.
Anyway, the movie was okay. I didn't like that the story got changed some to tone down the more controversial aspects of the book. Liz also pointed out that people who didn't read the book probably were confused by the movie. The movie doesn't really explain too well who the Priory of Sion are and glazed over the fact that they were pagans. The whole sex ritual thing wasn't explained at all. I also just don't think it makes sense that the movie wound up endorsing prayer and religion a bit at the end. I feel like the whole story got toned down to appease a more middle-of-the-road audience.
Oh, and I thought seeing a movie with Audrey Tautou speaking English was kind of weird. I liked her a lot better in Amelie. For some reason, I felt like she was a much better actress in that...

Monday, May 15, 2006

School year is ending

I haven't updated in a while, so I feel really behind. Here's a picture of Jake and me from the other weekend. My interview went okay, I think, but I won't hear whether or not I have the internship until after May 24 (when Carroll Co. makes its budget decisions). I was glad to get to spend time with Jake. We climbed the bell tower of the National Cathedral and saw a bell ringing demonstration. It was the only day out of the whole year that people were allowed to go up the tower! We also went to the zoo and I got to see the baby panda.
This past weekend, I went home and did dress shopping with my mom, Lelani, Sarah, and Britt. I was cranky because I had to try on dresses and because I had a killer headache. I hadn't had any caffeine all day and it started to bother me in the afternoon. Hmm...I'm thinking I'm more addicted to caffeine than I thought. I've been in the bad habit of drinking an awful lot of it lately.
Sarah spent the night at my parents' house, which was fun. My nephew told her that I have two kids named Jack and Brian when she asked him if I was a mother (Sarah was trying to teach him that he should only wish mothers "Happy Mother's Day.").Sarah went to church with me and my family Sunday morning. The vicar implied in his sermon that a friend of his was going to hell because he hasn't gone to church in 8 years. That was interesting... Sarah said she could understand how I've said that my parents' church is a downer.
Tonight, I'm going to an end-of-year party at one of my prof's houses. Tomorrow we have an end-of-year dinner with my counseling prof. The people in my program are also throwing a bachelor/bachelorette party for everyone that is getting married. My yoga class is tomorrow, too, so I don't know if I will skip it or just show up late to the party. I'm really glad that things are getting to be over with...after next Tuesday (I have a meeting at practicum), the only thing I will need to work on is my thesis.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

First Yoga Class

Today I went to the first yoga session. Not surprisingly, the whole class is women. There's about 10 people total, and I'd say that one or two are about my age, while the rest are older. Our instructor told us right away that we aren't going to do "fitness yoga", which is okay by me because I more wanted to do the yoga for the mental aspects anyway. I felt pretty relaxed by the end of class, but I didn't feel like we did anything all that challenging. I don't feel like I can really turn my mind off to the point that I need to sometimes, though. I keep thinking about random things all the time. I did have one random thought that was interesting today. All of the sudden the thought, "I want to die", shot through my head. Only I didn't mean that I want to die in the way that I actually want to stop living. Just lying on the ground and imagining myself sinking into it made me think that I want to be done with who I am right now. Like I just want everything that's tied up with "me" to just cease so that I can be someone else. It's weird, I know...and kind of hard to explain. Maybe it's similar to when people fantasize about running away and starting anew. Huh...I wonder if there are many people out there that feel the same way. I wonder if that's the sort of feeling that "born again" Christians get when they're "born again" they're totally starting over (don't worry...I'm not going to become all hardcore Christian...I just want to start over feeling like I have some sort of purpose...).