Advice and Consent- not just the responsibility of the Senate

I have had lots of downtime at work lately. I've also been shaken up by a number of things happening to people close to me. This has led me to think a number of things about my life and my relationships with people. Maybe thinking too much. I've also talked to a number of people about these things and reflected on them a bunch. Bouncing my feelings about things off others has allowed me to refine more of my thoughts on some of this, but now I'm going to try to write out some of these things and refine them a bit more. Maybe I'm trying to find consistency in places where there is none. I feel like I could go on writing for a long time about all my issues. I'm going to forget to put something down here, I just know it.

My mom stayed overnight in the hospital last weekend. She was having chest pain and shortness of breath. The doctors don't think it was a heart attack. But, yeah, it was enough to shake me up. It was also enough to feel resentment for not being told that she has had high blood pressure for quite a while now...now I have to factor in that I actually do have a family history of high blood pressure. I've been blaming my own high blood pressure on other things. I hate the bullshit of people not talking about things. I hate it, hate it, hate it...

This is also an issue for me at work. A coworker of mine told another coworker of mine to not say negative things around me because I'm young and impressionable. WTF? I'm irritated that it seems all sorts of people feel that I need to be sheltered. I hate being sheltered when I want to know things...wouldn't knowing things allow me to evaluate them? To prepare for things? To change my behavior if necessary? To check this person's perception of reality against my own?

I've been thinking about how it's difficult for me to criticize my mom. I'm afraid that she's going to get angry and have some sort of tantrum. She can get pretty scary that way sometimes. Cory is able to laugh it off when she gets angry, but for some reason, I get scared.

I've also been thinking that I am similar to my mom in some ways. I have these anxious freakouts sometimes when I am put in positions I am unhappy or uncomfortable with. I find myself speaking angrily to Jake over these things (getting lost places and/or having to drive in large amounts of traffic is a huge trigger event). I don't know sometimes how to disconnect myself from the stressful event and just calm down about it. I realize afterwards how stupid and irrational it is to get upset about such minor things, but somehow I can't stop this torrent of anger and blame coming out of my mouth towards Jake.

I also wonder if people are reluctant to tell me my flaws and weaknesses. I randomly blurted out the story to some coworkers about the time I painted black eyed susans on the Rip Van Winkle mural in the nursing home in Princeton and how Maria told me they were summer flowers, not spring flowers. I got a reaction from them that made it seem that they were sorry for me that Maria said that to me. I wasn't expecting that reaction from them. I think I told the story to say that it's important to be accurate, that people should plan and have discussions with each other ahead of time, and that I would like to know when I do things wrong. I just suck at telling stories sometimes. I don't know how to make people understand me.

What are other people's feelings on advice? Advice confuses me sometimes. I feel uncomfortable giving advice most of the time. This is part of my what my issue was with school psychology. I didn't like the idea of coming into a teacher's classroom and acting as though I know everything. This came across as a lack of confidence. I also lacked the faith that most people would even act on anything that I suggested.

At what point does it go beyond a healthy tooting of your own horn and into becoming arrogant and pompous?

I never know if anyone can offer good advice. Has anyone had advice that they can say has really worked for them?

I get mothering comments from some people at work occasionally. It makes me feel resentful toward them for saying those things. It also makes me think that there's no point in me saying anything because nothing I say will be taken seriously.

I don't know. I both want and reject any sort of direction from other people.

I can't figure anything out anymore. I confuse myself and I confuse other people because of all of my mixed feelings on everything.

Ugh.