Monday, June 05, 2006

Goal Setting

So, I went to this art walk thing with Lelani this weekend. She probably regrets taking me because afterward she ended up listening to me cry and cry and get down on myself about being socially awkward. Lelani told me that I came off as stand-offish in front of all these new people. I honestly didn't think that I was that terrible to anyone. They seemed like interesting and intelligent enough people, but it is really hard work for me to converse with people I don't know. It's even often hard work for me to converse with people I do know. Again, I never feel that I have much to say. Apparently, I come off as an extremely judgemental person. I was really shocked to hear that, because I don't think of myself as judging what other people do...especially people I don't even know. I am happy in a way that I went, though. I need to get out and keep trying things in order to learn how to come across better. It's practice. I don't get practice cooped up here in Eau Claire. I become more and more of a hermit every day...and apparently, I've damaged all relationships with people here because others can't even force themselves to do something as simple as go out to a restaurant with me on my birthday so that I'm not lonely. I also really need feedback. Lelani told me that part of what makes me come off as judgemental is that I sigh a lot. I didn't realize that I was doing this. This connects to something that came up in one of the counseling videotapes that I turned in this past semester, though. My counseling prof. picked up on a sigh that I let out after this girl who role-played with me told me that she thought she might be pregnant. My prof. said that the sigh could be interpreted in two ways: 1) I was being judgemental of her or 2)I was personally feeling a bit overwhelmed and thinking "How am I going to navigate this?" Luckily, the girl I did the counseling with picked up on that the sigh was just about me trying to work things out within myself. Apparently, this isn't the general case out in public and other places. Now I've noticed that I sigh when I am alone sometimes, too...when I'm thinking about things. I'm starting to pick up on it. Hopefully, I can self-monitor it and stop doing it. (If anyone notices me doing it, will you point it out to me? Or just punch me in the face or something?) I have honestly been dying to figure out something specific and measurable that I can work on to make this better. It doesn't help when people simply tell me that I'm awkward. I know I'm awkward, but how am I awkward? Does anyone else know of anything that I do that makes me stand-offish or seemingly judgemental? Email me if you do. Honestly, I won't hold it against you if you tell me something unflattering. Just make sure that your comments are about specific behaviors and not just "Well, you suck..." It might be nice if someone also told me what I am doing right. I have to admit that it's hard to hear negative feedback a lot.

Okay, I just wanted to put this link here so I can come back to it later...

It was extremely painful for me to find out that Lelani thinks that I am judging her. I feel like such an asshole.

I live in a lot of fear of the disapproval of my mother. My mom is highly critical of everyone. I feel like she is constantly looking for something to nag me about. I felt really tense the whole time that I was at home that she was going to bother me about what I'd been doing all day around the house while she was at work. She's always putting down my dad for little things, too. I am terrified to become like her. Do other people think I am judgemental like she is? Jake's said that he doesn't think that I'm like that to him, but I am freaked out now that I am like that to certain other people.

I partly think that it will be good for me to move and to get a little bit more distance between me and my family. They are just not that supportive sometimes.

I haven't done any thesis work yet today. I was previously thinking that I would... but I keep thinking more and more that I really won't get a school psychology job in the end, so I don't see the point. The only reason that I'd want to get it done is so that I don't think of myself as a quitter...

Do I have a case of sour grapes? I don't know... There are things that appeal to me about school psych and things that don't. If I'm going to work with kids, I think I'd like a job that gave me more opportunity to do things directly with them to help them. I didn't realize how much of a school psychologist's job revolves around paperwork, reports, meeting with administration, etc. I also don't like that it seems that every school psych ends up taking a lot of work home with them or working long hours. I really want to be able to come home and relax after work.

1 comment:

guammy_bear said...

Heck. I think we all do things that we don't notice at all. I'm a very big social retard. But the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Hi. My name is Lelani. I'm a social retard.