Saturday, February 18, 2006

I can't sleep because I keep ruminating on everything

I think I'm getting myself more and more worked up about this whole job situation thing. It's really straining everything in my life right now. I'm afraid that it all is going to make me so angry, upset, and bitter that everyone's going to hate me. I think I made Jake really angry at me today. I just cried and cried over the phone about the internship that got given away before I even had a chance to interview for it. When I start to think that I'm not going to have a job next year, I start to question everything else in my life. I start asking Jake why he even wants to marry me. Seriously, it doesn't make any sense to me. It's like the "fortune" I got on those cookies of Lelani's over winter break...I have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I think the only thing that I have going for me is that I'm "smart"...meaning that I can retain factual information and spit it back out. I don't have what people need to get a job. I don't have skills communicating with people. I'm not effervescent. I have no charisma. I come into interviews nervous and awkward and on the brink of tears. I am destined to work a job where they just want a warm body filling a spot. I can't demonstrate any special skill...
I'm afraid that I'm this huge disappointment to people. I feel like everyone expects me to get an internship, and if I don't, there will be all these people who think less of me. My mom is waiting until I find out about internships before she puts an engagement announcement in the newspaper. I don't know what will happen if I don't get anything...maybe she'll be too embarrassed of me to even put out an announcement? Jake's family will probably wonder why I can't find a job. My professors here will be disappointed. I'll be disappointed in myself. I don't want all this stupid education to go to waste. Why the hell did I go to grad school if I'm not going to be able to get a job? What an expensive, expensive waste of my life.
It makes me ill that I paid $300 to fly out for this interview and they didn't even give me a chance. What a load of horse shit.


guammy_bear said...

Aw, CannedAss. Those fortune cookies were supposed to be ironic. I picked the exact opposite of what all my friends are and figured everyone would get assigned something totally asinine and thereby funny. For the record, I think all my friends have many redeeming qualities--otherwise I wouldn't waste my time on your bitch asses.

It's a crap ass time for you right now. I think everyone understands. If friends and family don't at least pretend to support you, who the hell will? That's what we're here for, babe.

Maria said...

I think that it was really lame-ass for those people to not interview you. It's really unfair and unprofessional on their part. Fuck them dumb-ass sons of bitches...

Candy, I really feel that your friends and family just want you to be happy. And, sure, it would be great if you land an awesome job right out of college (and I really think you will), but if you don't, that's not going to make us stop liking you. You don't have to prove yourself to us, because we love you and we think you're great. You've already gotten a lot farther in school and in life than a lot of people and we're all really proud of you.

I feel the same way as you sometimes and wonder why you guys even like me and how the hell Rexx can want to spend his life with me when I'm such a flawed individual, but that's not the truth. It's just our brains getting weird and letting us be too self-critical. You're a really great person, Candy, and that why you have lots of friends and family and this really great fiancee that all love you tons.

We all think you have tons of potential and stand a really good shot and getting a good job. But if you don't, we're not going to be disappointed or love you less, we'll just call them assholes and be sure that you'll find something that makes you happy. 'Cux we just want you to be happy.

Love lots, Maria

Elizabeth said...

Oh, Candy. This makes me cry...we should talk sometime soon. I did get your brownie and birthday card, by the way--thanks! It made me laugh hard.

I wrote an email like three months ago to someone that said almost the exact same stuff that you have said here. I had reached a point one day where something just kind of broke.

I don't really feel qualified to give advice, again, mostly because I am in the same boat as you are. However, it is good to know that you're not alone (you aren't) and you can talk everything over with your friends, and nobody is going to hate you if by chance you don't get a job (which you will). We all know how intelligent, fun, and wonderful you are, and that won't change because some assholes decide to be assholes to you.